Thursday, June 16, 2011

Meeting Men in DC…

The title of the post is actually a bit misleading. It should read “Meeting Men in New Carrollton, MD”. Apparently there is a lack of men in DC, I just saw a friend post something to her twitter and had recently had a conversation about how hard it is to meet men in DC. The issue apparently is that in between the ages of like 24 to 40 (not sure if that’s the actual age range I’m quoting a friend who was quoting someone else) there is like 8 single women for every single guy. Now I don’t know how true that is, I tried looking it up and I saw according to the last census it was more like 5 women for every man. But then my friend explained to me that DC has a high number of gay men, who would be unfairly counted because based on the census they were “unmarried” though not really a true dating option for single ladies. After following that logic I decided she was right and it probably was 8 to 1. This topic constantly comes up so much so that I’m always on the lookout about possible answers to the ever looming questions of single ladies in the District “where do you meet men”. Well ladies I have the answer…

Today I spent my lunch at Lowe’s, specifically the Lowe’s in New Carrollton and I managed to meet not one but two men and here is how. First you’ll need to go to Lowe’s at exactly 1:40 pm on a Thursday. It appears that this is when contractors go to Lowe’s to pickup supplies after getting lunch. Also it appears that these contractors are probably the ones in charge, while they did appear to be in phenomenal shape, they did not appear to be dirty or sweaty from doing any of the major work. I’m thinking they are merely there to pickup supplies for their “men”. So next you’re going to need to have on your work clothes, unless it makes you uncomfortable go in a skirt and some three to four inch heels, and carry an impractical purse that weights no less than 5 pounds. Make sure you compile a list of things that are not near each other so that you have to prance back and forth from row to row frantically looking at your list, oh and don’t get a cart of basket. Just pile the stuff up balancing it with the purse until you reach the last item which should be a bronze brush. At this point several men are going to want to come to your aid because it is going to be obvious that you have absolutely no idea what you’re doing here. The first person who asks if you they can help you is not going to be a Lowe’s employee but some nice man -that ladies is man number one. Look at him in a panic and say “um no I think I got it” but look desperate. This nice man will go all the way to the front of the store and bring you a cart five aisles over from where he originally saw you. When he gets there take the cart and thank him but then ask “wait do you work here”. When he says no scowl and take off.

Next go ALL the way to the lumber department, walk slowly, look at your phone and list. Lumber is where the buff men are, go through the two aisles in the lumber section exactly three times. By the 3rd time I’m not sure if it’s going to be the annoying sound of your heels hitting the floor or what but some nice man will now spend the next 15 minutes combing the aisles for the exact wire brush you’re looking for while you wait patiently in Lumber with his friend/coworker. It was in aisle 4 where you first looked. When he brings it back go “this is kind of small, where were these I want to see if they have larger one’s” he will now escort you all the way to the aisle because obviously you cannot be trusted to find what you need by yourself. While walking that incredibly long walk this man will inquire about what the hell it is YOUR doing in Lowe’s and how your husband should have just come and picked this stuff up for you. He will inquire about your project and be surprised you’re taking on these tasks yourself. Once you get to the brushes he will wish you luck. Stay there five minutes and look at the brushes only to get the one he got you. Check out…and now as you leave the store that nice man is going to come up out of nowhere and give you his card/number and say “just in case you ever need help finding anything else at Lowe’s”. And that ladies is how you meet men in DC.

No comments:

Post a Comment